SMA: Self-conscious Momma's Anonymous

Today, I have been having some boy image issues. I searched for natural ways to get breasts firm again and all the sites that I found pretty much said, "sorry chick, that's what happens when you have a baby. You think it's bad now, wait until you have another one and ANOTHER ONE." Encouraging. I soon found myself looking at a plastic surgery website and Googling "average cost of breast lift vs impants." Anytime that is in my Google "recently searched" you know I've hit a low point on the body image scale.

I have no idea what brought this on. Probably the same way that most crazy, irrational thoughts begin, slowly and unnoticed until it becomes a huge pimple in my thoughts that all of a sudden I can't NOT think about. Anyway, it happened. So my day starts to wind down a bit, the baby has been put to bed, I have cut the grass, and it's time for me to take a shower. As I'm shampooing and continuing to throw myself a pity party for the curves that once were, I thought about how nice it would be if there was some kind of support group for women like me who are grieving the loss of a pre-pregnancy body. I'm not certain if there are groups out there like this, but if there aren't, there should be. So then my imagination kicks on and I start to think of how nice it would be to have a group where us ladies can share how horrible it is to have our bodies ruined by our little miracles that we would never trade for all the glorious boobies in the world, but that we still really want those boobies.

I imagined that my little group could be called SMA: Self-conscious Momma's Anonymous and we could have a conference twice a year where we eat, drink, and be merry! The conference could be sponsored by a lingerie company and there would be fashion shows of these momma's in their sexy little get ups and everyone would hoop and holler in support of embracing our new bodies. We could release balloons to symbolize letting go of what we used to be and then get so drunk that we don't really care anymore about what we are now.

Hi, I'm Amanda and I have a tummy that looks like ground beef.

(disclaimer, this is not my child)

Adjustmetns

I realized that I have not written anything in quite some time. Being a mom to a one year old is quite time consuming, if you didn't know.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about the decisions and actions that have taken place over the last year. A lot has happened. Nicholas and I are both no longer working at the law firm where I worked for four and a half years and he worked for four. I am currently working three jobs - (1) mom to Lucas (2) maid in the Sarabia household (3) an independent contractor with PCR Services Inc. <-- this one actually sends me a check, SCORE!

My days are pretty busy, starting a 7:45 a.m. working at all three jobs until about 9:00 or 10:00 when I actually go to bed, turn on Netflix, and have some "me" time. I do usually take a break right after bug goes down for his nap to eat lunch and maybe watch an episode or two of How I Met Your Mother on Lifetime before I go down to the basement to do my contracting work with PCR for the remainder of nap time. Needless to say, I am exhausted by the end of the day. Whatever, everyone is exhausted by the end of their days, I'm not saying that I'm more-so than most. I think I'm still just not used to it. Recently, I've picked up more work with PCR Services to get a little more cash flow in the household. I really like the effect it has on my wallet, not so much on my energy levels. A lot of times, at the end of each day, I find myself wondering how in the world am I going to have enough energy to get through another day? And then I find myself missing my old job. I really miss the fast-pace, having to shuffle through paperwork and "put out fires." I miss feeling important, like the work that I do has a purpose, getting the instant gratification of a job well done when a client was finally happy, when I could make a person's day better (or worse depending on the situation). I felt powerful. For four years this was my day in and day out. This is what I thought about even on weekends. My job was a huge part of who I was. And now it's gone.

The truth of the matter is that I don't feel important or even needed. Yes, Lucas needs me to keep him alive, but anyone can do that, not in the small, special way that I do it, but still, anyone can feed a baby and change a diaper. I just miss that feeling of being Amanda Sarabia, lead paralegal, pre-judgment. If there was an issue, I was one of the people called to help resolve it. People counted on me and my opinion mattered.  Now, I'm Amanda Sarabia, nose and butt wiper.

I just have to work harder to get adjusted to my new role in life. No, I'm not super important and no, people don't come to me because I can help fix problems anymore. But you know what? I was sitting next to my son while he ate his snack and for no reason at all, he smiles at me, and leans his head towards me. This is his way of asking me to give him a kiss on his forehead. This little baby loves me to pieces. I am his whole world. Just after his snack, I was sweeping up the kitchen floor and this snot-faced little monster with no pants on, just a shirt and a diaper, comes trotting up behind me and gives me a hug, then runs off to play again.

I think that I can adjust after all.

Same Problems, New Year

Happy New Year!!

...Okay, so I'm a little late on that one. I haven't posted on here in quite some time. Trust me, I wish I had the time/energy to leisurely write a blog post. I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally exhausted I am.

I suppose we can start off with the heavy...

On December 28th at 5:23 p.m., we said goodbye to my father-in-law, Allen. Nick and I dropped bug off at my mom's house at around noon-ish and headed to downtown Atlanta where Allen and his partner, Jim, live. Their condo is GORGEOUS! Well, when Nicholas and I arrived at around 1:30 or so (after stopping for lunch), it was just Jim and the hospice nurse, Dee. Dee is such an amazing woman. She provided comedic relief and was also very comforting when needed. She was just amazing.
I remember thinking to myself the night before that I wasn't sure what to talk to him about. People said that Nick and I should talk to him, but what do you say to someone who cannot respond to you at all? Well, I had thought about it later that night, so I was prepared for when we got there! I talked to him about Lucas eating his big boy foods, how he is such a piggy for eating so much. I swear that he made a noise similar to "awww." I think that sound will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. He loved Lucas so much.
...and the waterworks begin...
Well, at about 3:30 he took a  bad turn. I called Donna (Nick's mother) to let her know that things were not looking good and that they needed to get there with a quickness. I remember feeling very panicked and crying. So much crying. We weren't sure how much longer he had, so the three of us are gathered around his bed crying, holding his hand, stroking his hair, his arm, etc. telling him that it's okay and if he's ready, he can go, we'll all be okay. Needless to say, we're all just short of silently sobbing.
Not so surprisingly, Allen hung in there for a while. He was such a strong person. He fought so hard from the day he was diagnosed and I really still cannot believe that he is gone.

It just hit me now that it has been two weeks since he died. It really just feels like time has stopped. That time doesn't continue to move forward now that Allen Sowels is no longer alive and living in the world. It almost just feels wrong that the world continues to spin even though he is not in Atlanta somewhere having drinks with his friends, laughing or maybe bragging about how awesome and adorable his grandson is.

This whole thing has just felt like a really bad dream that keep expecting to wake up from. And when I realize that there is no waking up, that this is reality and this is the way things are now, it just makes me want to crawl into bed, lose myself in bad television, and go to sleep.

Long story short, Allen passed away with all of us surrounding his bedside giving him as much love as possible. The aftermath was what I would call an emotional nuclear bomb. That weird silence before the boom where you know that you're about to be hit with a whole lot of shit and you know it. It was like standing on a beach shore watching in stunned silence as a tidal wave is headed straight for you. You're so terrified and taking it all in that you cannot move or think. That's what it was like the moment that he died. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds and then the shit hit the fan. As I'm sure you can imagine, it was extremely difficult. Certainly a time in my life that I will never forget.

The few days after that went by in a blur of emotions. I barely remember anything from those days. I remember picking Lucas up from my mom's house, passing my friend Christie on my way home, eating fried chicken and potato salad, Nick's brother, Andrew, came over, I watched a little bit of a whale documentary, and we ate pizza. That's literally all that I remember. It's like I was on auto pilot. I know that I did more than those things because Lucas was here. I had to take care of my baby. But I just don't remember doing any of it.

Life can be very cruel.

As I am typing this, my aunt is in the ICU at Gwinnett Medical. She has breast cancer. A type of breast cancer that would've been a death sentence 10 years ago, but science has come so far! She was on her 2nd to last chemo treatment when she contracted the H1N1 flu virus. Something that would be difficult for a healthy person to recover from. Well, that landed her in the hospital last weekend. Now that flu has developed into pneumonia which has progressed so much that she is unable to breathe on her own. She is currently hooked up to a ventilator that is breathing for her. It doesn't look good. Tomorrow the doctors are going to take a look at her lungs through a scope and if that confirms how much the pneumonia has progressed, they might end up taking her off of the machines all together. No one has said it out loud, but I think that we all know what that means...

So right now, it is 11:51 p.m. and I should be going to sleep because Nicholas and I are headed to the hospital in the morning. But I am finding myself putting off sleep as much as I can. I am afraid of what tomorrow might bring.

GOOD NEWS!
Oh, there is some? Shockingly, yes! My last day as an employee of The Dillon Law Firm, P.C. is Friday! I put in my 2 weeks one week ago! I found a new job that allows me to work from home typing up telephone or in person recorded interviews of an insurance company and someone who was involved in a car accident. I am really excited about this! I am sad to leave the DLF, but that's mostly a comfort thing and for the people that I work with. If I'm being honest, I haven't been happy there since my son was born. It is far too much stress for me to handle. After four years, I'm saying goodbye and starting a new chapter of my life.

The only downside? This wonderful, amazing opportunity has fallen into my lap while I'm going through this emotional hell. How can I be happy? This is a great thing to happen for me and my family and I feel like I cannot be happy about it. I feel guilty any time that I feel any shred of joy. My husband is heartbroken and I am happy? ...No. Not happening.

I had a lovely breakdown about 10 minutes ago while writing about Allen and I told Nicholas that I feel like I'm going to crumble under the weight of all of this grief. But just as soon as it began, I stopped crying, picked myself up off of the floor (yes, I was on my knees with my head in his lap sobbing), and went to the bathroom to blow my nose and compose myself.

Maybe this is just my life these days? Breaking down and then picking myself back up again. Rinse. Repeat.

These guys keep me going. Love them so much.