Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about the decisions and actions that have taken place over the last year. A lot has happened. Nicholas and I are both no longer working at the law firm where I worked for four and a half years and he worked for four. I am currently working three jobs - (1) mom to Lucas (2) maid in the Sarabia household (3) an independent contractor with PCR Services Inc. <-- this one actually sends me a check, SCORE!
My days are pretty busy, starting a 7:45 a.m. working at all three jobs until about 9:00 or 10:00 when I actually go to bed, turn on Netflix, and have some "me" time. I do usually take a break right after bug goes down for his nap to eat lunch and maybe watch an episode or two of How I Met Your Mother on Lifetime before I go down to the basement to do my contracting work with PCR for the remainder of nap time. Needless to say, I am exhausted by the end of the day. Whatever, everyone is exhausted by the end of their days, I'm not saying that I'm more-so than most. I think I'm still just not used to it. Recently, I've picked up more work with PCR Services to get a little more cash flow in the household. I really like the effect it has on my wallet, not so much on my energy levels. A lot of times, at the end of each day, I find myself wondering how in the world am I going to have enough energy to get through another day? And then I find myself missing my old job. I really miss the fast-pace, having to shuffle through paperwork and "put out fires." I miss feeling important, like the work that I do has a purpose, getting the instant gratification of a job well done when a client was finally happy, when I could make a person's day better (or worse depending on the situation). I felt powerful. For four years this was my day in and day out. This is what I thought about even on weekends. My job was a huge part of who I was. And now it's gone.
The truth of the matter is that I don't feel important or even needed. Yes, Lucas needs me to keep him alive, but anyone can do that, not in the small, special way that I do it, but still, anyone can feed a baby and change a diaper. I just miss that feeling of being Amanda Sarabia, lead paralegal, pre-judgment. If there was an issue, I was one of the people called to help resolve it. People counted on me and my opinion mattered. Now, I'm Amanda Sarabia, nose and butt wiper.
I just have to work harder to get adjusted to my new role in life. No, I'm not super important and no, people don't come to me because I can help fix problems anymore. But you know what? I was sitting next to my son while he ate his snack and for no reason at all, he smiles at me, and leans his head towards me. This is his way of asking me to give him a kiss on his forehead. This little baby loves me to pieces. I am his whole world. Just after his snack, I was sweeping up the kitchen floor and this snot-faced little monster with no pants on, just a shirt and a diaper, comes trotting up behind me and gives me a hug, then runs off to play again.
I think that I can adjust after all.
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