SMA: Self-conscious Momma's Anonymous

Today, I have been having some boy image issues. I searched for natural ways to get breasts firm again and all the sites that I found pretty much said, "sorry chick, that's what happens when you have a baby. You think it's bad now, wait until you have another one and ANOTHER ONE." Encouraging. I soon found myself looking at a plastic surgery website and Googling "average cost of breast lift vs impants." Anytime that is in my Google "recently searched" you know I've hit a low point on the body image scale.

I have no idea what brought this on. Probably the same way that most crazy, irrational thoughts begin, slowly and unnoticed until it becomes a huge pimple in my thoughts that all of a sudden I can't NOT think about. Anyway, it happened. So my day starts to wind down a bit, the baby has been put to bed, I have cut the grass, and it's time for me to take a shower. As I'm shampooing and continuing to throw myself a pity party for the curves that once were, I thought about how nice it would be if there was some kind of support group for women like me who are grieving the loss of a pre-pregnancy body. I'm not certain if there are groups out there like this, but if there aren't, there should be. So then my imagination kicks on and I start to think of how nice it would be to have a group where us ladies can share how horrible it is to have our bodies ruined by our little miracles that we would never trade for all the glorious boobies in the world, but that we still really want those boobies.

I imagined that my little group could be called SMA: Self-conscious Momma's Anonymous and we could have a conference twice a year where we eat, drink, and be merry! The conference could be sponsored by a lingerie company and there would be fashion shows of these momma's in their sexy little get ups and everyone would hoop and holler in support of embracing our new bodies. We could release balloons to symbolize letting go of what we used to be and then get so drunk that we don't really care anymore about what we are now.

Hi, I'm Amanda and I have a tummy that looks like ground beef.

(disclaimer, this is not my child)

Adjustmetns

I realized that I have not written anything in quite some time. Being a mom to a one year old is quite time consuming, if you didn't know.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about the decisions and actions that have taken place over the last year. A lot has happened. Nicholas and I are both no longer working at the law firm where I worked for four and a half years and he worked for four. I am currently working three jobs - (1) mom to Lucas (2) maid in the Sarabia household (3) an independent contractor with PCR Services Inc. <-- this one actually sends me a check, SCORE!

My days are pretty busy, starting a 7:45 a.m. working at all three jobs until about 9:00 or 10:00 when I actually go to bed, turn on Netflix, and have some "me" time. I do usually take a break right after bug goes down for his nap to eat lunch and maybe watch an episode or two of How I Met Your Mother on Lifetime before I go down to the basement to do my contracting work with PCR for the remainder of nap time. Needless to say, I am exhausted by the end of the day. Whatever, everyone is exhausted by the end of their days, I'm not saying that I'm more-so than most. I think I'm still just not used to it. Recently, I've picked up more work with PCR Services to get a little more cash flow in the household. I really like the effect it has on my wallet, not so much on my energy levels. A lot of times, at the end of each day, I find myself wondering how in the world am I going to have enough energy to get through another day? And then I find myself missing my old job. I really miss the fast-pace, having to shuffle through paperwork and "put out fires." I miss feeling important, like the work that I do has a purpose, getting the instant gratification of a job well done when a client was finally happy, when I could make a person's day better (or worse depending on the situation). I felt powerful. For four years this was my day in and day out. This is what I thought about even on weekends. My job was a huge part of who I was. And now it's gone.

The truth of the matter is that I don't feel important or even needed. Yes, Lucas needs me to keep him alive, but anyone can do that, not in the small, special way that I do it, but still, anyone can feed a baby and change a diaper. I just miss that feeling of being Amanda Sarabia, lead paralegal, pre-judgment. If there was an issue, I was one of the people called to help resolve it. People counted on me and my opinion mattered.  Now, I'm Amanda Sarabia, nose and butt wiper.

I just have to work harder to get adjusted to my new role in life. No, I'm not super important and no, people don't come to me because I can help fix problems anymore. But you know what? I was sitting next to my son while he ate his snack and for no reason at all, he smiles at me, and leans his head towards me. This is his way of asking me to give him a kiss on his forehead. This little baby loves me to pieces. I am his whole world. Just after his snack, I was sweeping up the kitchen floor and this snot-faced little monster with no pants on, just a shirt and a diaper, comes trotting up behind me and gives me a hug, then runs off to play again.

I think that I can adjust after all.

Same Problems, New Year

Happy New Year!!

...Okay, so I'm a little late on that one. I haven't posted on here in quite some time. Trust me, I wish I had the time/energy to leisurely write a blog post. I cannot even begin to explain how emotionally exhausted I am.

I suppose we can start off with the heavy...

On December 28th at 5:23 p.m., we said goodbye to my father-in-law, Allen. Nick and I dropped bug off at my mom's house at around noon-ish and headed to downtown Atlanta where Allen and his partner, Jim, live. Their condo is GORGEOUS! Well, when Nicholas and I arrived at around 1:30 or so (after stopping for lunch), it was just Jim and the hospice nurse, Dee. Dee is such an amazing woman. She provided comedic relief and was also very comforting when needed. She was just amazing.
I remember thinking to myself the night before that I wasn't sure what to talk to him about. People said that Nick and I should talk to him, but what do you say to someone who cannot respond to you at all? Well, I had thought about it later that night, so I was prepared for when we got there! I talked to him about Lucas eating his big boy foods, how he is such a piggy for eating so much. I swear that he made a noise similar to "awww." I think that sound will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. He loved Lucas so much.
...and the waterworks begin...
Well, at about 3:30 he took a  bad turn. I called Donna (Nick's mother) to let her know that things were not looking good and that they needed to get there with a quickness. I remember feeling very panicked and crying. So much crying. We weren't sure how much longer he had, so the three of us are gathered around his bed crying, holding his hand, stroking his hair, his arm, etc. telling him that it's okay and if he's ready, he can go, we'll all be okay. Needless to say, we're all just short of silently sobbing.
Not so surprisingly, Allen hung in there for a while. He was such a strong person. He fought so hard from the day he was diagnosed and I really still cannot believe that he is gone.

It just hit me now that it has been two weeks since he died. It really just feels like time has stopped. That time doesn't continue to move forward now that Allen Sowels is no longer alive and living in the world. It almost just feels wrong that the world continues to spin even though he is not in Atlanta somewhere having drinks with his friends, laughing or maybe bragging about how awesome and adorable his grandson is.

This whole thing has just felt like a really bad dream that keep expecting to wake up from. And when I realize that there is no waking up, that this is reality and this is the way things are now, it just makes me want to crawl into bed, lose myself in bad television, and go to sleep.

Long story short, Allen passed away with all of us surrounding his bedside giving him as much love as possible. The aftermath was what I would call an emotional nuclear bomb. That weird silence before the boom where you know that you're about to be hit with a whole lot of shit and you know it. It was like standing on a beach shore watching in stunned silence as a tidal wave is headed straight for you. You're so terrified and taking it all in that you cannot move or think. That's what it was like the moment that he died. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds and then the shit hit the fan. As I'm sure you can imagine, it was extremely difficult. Certainly a time in my life that I will never forget.

The few days after that went by in a blur of emotions. I barely remember anything from those days. I remember picking Lucas up from my mom's house, passing my friend Christie on my way home, eating fried chicken and potato salad, Nick's brother, Andrew, came over, I watched a little bit of a whale documentary, and we ate pizza. That's literally all that I remember. It's like I was on auto pilot. I know that I did more than those things because Lucas was here. I had to take care of my baby. But I just don't remember doing any of it.

Life can be very cruel.

As I am typing this, my aunt is in the ICU at Gwinnett Medical. She has breast cancer. A type of breast cancer that would've been a death sentence 10 years ago, but science has come so far! She was on her 2nd to last chemo treatment when she contracted the H1N1 flu virus. Something that would be difficult for a healthy person to recover from. Well, that landed her in the hospital last weekend. Now that flu has developed into pneumonia which has progressed so much that she is unable to breathe on her own. She is currently hooked up to a ventilator that is breathing for her. It doesn't look good. Tomorrow the doctors are going to take a look at her lungs through a scope and if that confirms how much the pneumonia has progressed, they might end up taking her off of the machines all together. No one has said it out loud, but I think that we all know what that means...

So right now, it is 11:51 p.m. and I should be going to sleep because Nicholas and I are headed to the hospital in the morning. But I am finding myself putting off sleep as much as I can. I am afraid of what tomorrow might bring.

GOOD NEWS!
Oh, there is some? Shockingly, yes! My last day as an employee of The Dillon Law Firm, P.C. is Friday! I put in my 2 weeks one week ago! I found a new job that allows me to work from home typing up telephone or in person recorded interviews of an insurance company and someone who was involved in a car accident. I am really excited about this! I am sad to leave the DLF, but that's mostly a comfort thing and for the people that I work with. If I'm being honest, I haven't been happy there since my son was born. It is far too much stress for me to handle. After four years, I'm saying goodbye and starting a new chapter of my life.

The only downside? This wonderful, amazing opportunity has fallen into my lap while I'm going through this emotional hell. How can I be happy? This is a great thing to happen for me and my family and I feel like I cannot be happy about it. I feel guilty any time that I feel any shred of joy. My husband is heartbroken and I am happy? ...No. Not happening.

I had a lovely breakdown about 10 minutes ago while writing about Allen and I told Nicholas that I feel like I'm going to crumble under the weight of all of this grief. But just as soon as it began, I stopped crying, picked myself up off of the floor (yes, I was on my knees with my head in his lap sobbing), and went to the bathroom to blow my nose and compose myself.

Maybe this is just my life these days? Breaking down and then picking myself back up again. Rinse. Repeat.

These guys keep me going. Love them so much.

The Perks of Being Me

I'm finding it difficult to keep a level head these days. I almost feel like I'm suffering from bipolar disorder. One moment I am so incredibly happy, I could dance around my kitchen singing at the top of my lungs. And then there are moments, like the other day, when I almost burst into tears in the middle of work from all of the stresses and terrible things going on around me. I could easily slip into some kind of crazy person depression. Lord knows that both Nicholas and I have enough going on to justifiably crawl into bed and not leave for three weeks. What keeps me motivated? What keeps me out of bed and constantly moving forward? My family. My sweet 5 month old boy, my amazingly supportive and understanding husband, my sister who, with two little ones of her own, can 110% relate to me with so many things, and everyone else who supports us and encourages us to keep on keepin' on.
For those of you who don't know, one of my father-in-law's was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor a year and a half ago. He had a major brain surgery last June to remove as much of the tumor as possible and underwent chemo and radiation thereafter. In January, his MRI showed what looked like a recurrence. It was finally confirmed about a month ago that the tumor was back, plus two more areas of concern. Because it came back in more than one place and because of the locations, the surgeons do not want to operate. This has, understandably, been extremely difficult for the entire family. We all love him so much and it is beyond difficult to witness this happen to such a wonderful man. Sometimes, I feel pressure to stay strong for my husband. Like I need to hide my sadness from him. I just don't want him to have to comfort me, I need to be the one doing the comforting. But then I realize that I have every right to be sad and come to terms with those feelings, so Nicholas and I end up comforting each other. It's not about one person being the rock and the other being the mess. We're both the mess and the rock. Sometimes all it takes is to just hold one another on the couch until the moment passes. I know that this sounds mega depressing, but it's not like this happens every day. It's just those moments that come with having something like this in your family. I'm not going to try and hide from it and act like everything is OK 100% of the time, because it's not. This is about raw honesty, not about putting on a show.
Changing the subject - we've had a very crazy week at work. There is a huge project that my boss wants to get done ASAP meaning that we're working until 7pm on Friday and a full 8 hours on Saturday every weekend until the project is finished. Well, guess what, after everyone put in their time this weekend, it's still not even close to being finished.
Pre-baby, this wasn't an issue. A mild inconvenience, but overall, not the end of the world. Now, it's scrambling to find a babysitter and forcing myself to be OK with coming home in time to kiss my son goodnight during the week and being apart from him almost all day over our weekends. Let me just tell you, that sucks. But the money will be oh so good. We're getting overtime for all of these hours worked, so that's not bad at all. Dolla Dolla bills ya'll!

But you know what, I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower earlier today and I realized that my life is pretty good. The dollar sign in my bank account doesn't define my life. Yes, it limits me to an extent, but overall, I'm a lucky and happy person. Life is difficult and we cannot control everything around us. We just have top learn how to batten down the hatches and make due with the cards that we're dealt. It's OK to be sad when things get rough, but I'm thankful for every morning that I wake up as a wife, mother, daughter, and friend. My husband kisses me goodnight every night, even if I'm not fully awake, I can feel and I know without a doubt that he loves me. My son is beautiful and healthy. What more can a girl as for?

Lucas and my sweet nephew, Andrew

 

My big boy in his door jumper

 

My dad and all of the kiddos at Halloween

 

 

 

Sleep Training Chapter 2: Rise of the Sleep Sac!

I come to you this morning feeling a bit groggy, legs wobbly, and tummy grumbling for some bacon! However, I am so incredibly happy! I've got my 90's music playlist jamming on the iMac that lives on the breakfast table in our kitchen, oven preheating for some biscuits which will go oh-so-wonderfully well with the turkey bacon and eggs that will be made later. I bough myself some Cinnabon coffee creamer for my morning coffee (much needed). And oh yea... my baby is freaking awesome!

I'm so incredibly proud of my boy! For the past 3 weeks, he has been in his crib for both of his daytime naps and all night to sleep. It has not been without difficulty, but he is now so good at sleeping independently! Perhaps, I should start from the beginning....


In my last post, I think that I told you that we were going to try crying it out. Yea, that made me feel so bad that it didn't last long at all. Nicholas found an article on the internet about a woman who wrote about her experience of weaning her baby from co-sleeping and making the transition to sleeping in the crib. Here is the link. In short, she explains that babies need to learn that sleep is not something that is scary or lonely. Therefore, when the baby cries, pick him up and snuggle until he falls asleep in your arms. Do the "limp wrist test" (pick up the babies arm and drop it, if it falls without resistance, he is likely in a good, deep sleep). Then put him down in the crib. Do this as many times as it takes and if he ends up back in the "family bed," then try again at a later date.  This is very similar to the dreaded sleep training that we tried before, only with a little more snuggles and comfort for baby.

This went SO MUCH better than our sleep training before.

The first night was a little difficult, but after an hour or two, he got the hang of it and fell asleep. The second night was better, and by the third night, he was already a pro! Twice he slept through the night, however, he will usually wake up once at 3:45 or 4am or so. I'd feed him and he'd go right to sleep.

Friday, we took him in for his 4 month appointment, all it well! The nurse practitioner said that he doesn't need to eat at that time, so since then I've been just getting up to snuggle him and comfort him back to sleep rather than nursing.

Another new and exciting development, we started him on some solids! He has done 2 weeks of oatmeal and tonight, we started him on peas! We bought a bag of organic frozen green peas, steamed them, and put them in the magic bullet with some water. We made probably close to a month's worth of peas for him that is now taking up residence in my freezer.

Also in breaking news, I am 99% sure that I am going to stop breastfeeding at 6 months. I just don't think that I can do 12 months. Everyone says that it's the first 6 months where breastmilk is the most beneficial. I just think that I am done. Yes, it saves us a ton of money, however, my life revolves around my boobs. I'm just kinda over it. And this doesn't feel like a selfish decision because I stuck with it all of those times that I wanted to quit. Each time I was frustrated and wanted to give up, I kept going. Why? For my son. I think that my time doing this is done. I'd like to get back to some normalcy. I'd like to not worry about making sure I've got fresh pads in my bra, dealing with the pain of being full when we go somewhere that takes a while (weddings, road trips, bachelorette parties, etc.). Not having to worry about making sure that I pump at 3 hour intervals at work to make sure that I keep my supply up. Having a baby if a lot on your plate as it is, I would just like to take away some of that stress, especially when I'm dealing with the consequences of long term sleep deprivation. It's like I have pregnancy brain again. My doctor's recommendation, get more sleep. Thanks, doc.

Me and hubs at a friend/co-worker's wedding 2 weekends ago.

Bug eating some peas last night.

The Tornado That Is My Life

Ok, maybe tornado is a bit of an exaggeration. I've just been really busy lately. It seems like there is always something going on. Bug has started to smile, laugh, grab his feet, and teething has begun. Lord help us all.  Also, little bug is 3 months old! Only two short weeks away from being 4 months old! It feels like it has been both the blink of an eye and en eternity at the same time. Other people that I know had their babies after me and they seems to be growing up so fast! Sometimes it baffles me that my baby is even older than they are! And yes, I am still breastfeeding. It has gotten leaps and bounds easier! Bug will eat from both sides in about 10-15 minutes now. He is also almost sleeping through the night. We're at a point now where he will wake up only once and that's usually at about 5-6am. Not bad considering the fact that he is going to bed at 9.Still co-sleeping, although I'd prefer that we didn't. I am ready to have my bed back! Not to mention, I want to get him started on a set schedule soon.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post, but our bosses (I say "our" because both me and hubs work at the same law firm) has us set up to work from home. I am in the office TUES and THURS while Nicholas is at home with bug and Nicholas is in the office MON and WED while I am at home with bug. On FRI, we're both in the office and we bring bug with us since our office hours are 8am-noon. I tell you all of this because our VPN (device/system that gives us the ability to work from home) has been down for the past 4 weeks. Yes, this means that we have had to bring our baby into the office for the past FOUR WEEKS. I am so far beyond the point of being severely pissed that I almost don't even care anymore. On second though, no, I am still really pissed about this. Our lives are negatively effected by this in multiple ways. (1) My son doesn't take good naps there because there is just so much going on. (2) I don't get nearly enough done because he gets fussy, or he's "talking" to himself too loudly while someone is on the phone. It's nothing like when we're at home where I'm quite productive and he is in his comfortable element. (3) My dog is messing up my house. Chloe is apparantly a sensative soul and she got used to us being home most of the time. The change must've been difficult on her because she has started to scratch at our walls putting multiple holes in the sheet rock. Awesome. (4) I have ZERO energy to work out when we get home from work. When I could work from home, I would wake up at 5am, eat breakfast, do some work, and at about 11am before lunch, I would do  my Yoga Meltdown DVD. Yea, I haven't done that mess in 4 weeks and my flabby gut shows it. Today, I had to squeeze into the fat girl pants that I wore the week after Lucas was born. I haven't put on much weight on the scale, but I certainly feel the difference in how my jeans fit. Case and point, this sucks. BUT - the VPN should be fixed by the end of next week. FINGERS CROSSED!!!

Bug taking a nap at the office with his bear, "muchacho."

Once we are up and running again, I plan to start baby boot camp in my house! Crib training will begin again with both naps and night time sleep. I am going to try 2 methods for doing said crib training (both exponentially easier than the previous sleep training, that was a nightmare).
METHOD NO. 1: Put baby in his crib awake, but drowsy. Stay in the room with baby until he falls asleep so that he doesn't feel abandoned and also to stick that pacie back in his mouth when he spits it out. We all know that it is going to happen. After a few nights, start to stay in the room with him, but stand further and further towards the door until you are eventually out of the room.
METHOD NO. 2:  Cry it out. Today, Nicholas was cleaning out the swing because of a poop explosion while I was out of the house. Since he was busy cleaning up poop, he put Lucas in his crib. Of course, he cried for about 20 minutes, but then he fell asleep! And guess what? He is perfectly fine. No harm, no foul. I'm willing to give it a try.


I went on a bachelorette girls weekend in Tybee Island/Savannah with some friends of mine. We stayed in a condo on the beach. We stayed in Friday night, got in the hot tub, walked down on the beach, and had a few drinks. Saturday, we spent the day in Savannah walking around downtown, had lunch at Paula Deen's restaurant, Lady & Sons, and then walked some more down on Riverstreet. That night, we went to downtown Savannah all dolled up in a 1950's pinup theme and had a few drinks at a few bars and watched my beloved GA Bulldogs lose to Clemson. BOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Sunday was the beach/recovery day. We were going to go to a place on the island for dinner, but everywhere is a whole in the wall type place and we had 10 girls, not so easy to get a table. So we decided to eat at Uncle Bubba's which is Paula Deen's brother's restaurant. Guess who was there???? PAULA DEEN!!!! Yup, I got to meet her, got a video of her saying "Hey Ya'll". It was pretty cool. Monday morning, we packed up and headed home!

Me with Paula Deen. Fist bumping. Awww yeaaa.

 

50's pinup night

 

I had so much fun on the trip with my friends, but I missed my family so much! I am very glad to be home!!!

 

Ghosts of Friendships Past

Today, as I was eating my lunch, some old memories popped into my head. Memories of friends that I no longer speak with. I felt really nostalgic and a little sad. And then I thought of why I no longer speak with these people who I shared such a great time in my life with.

I am not friends with these people anymore because of two individuals in particular. These two people have done me very wrong in the past. Forever tainted my friendships with the remainder of the group. And yet I miss them. What is wrong with me? These two people have treated me worse than anyone in my life and I'm sure that they don't think twice about it. But me, I think about them quite often. Oddly enough, I don't think of them with a shred of anger in my bones. Part of me wants to reach out to them and see how they are doing, see if we can make amends. Again, I say, what is wrong with me?

While chewing on my fried chicken house salad from Zaxby's, I realized that I had the urge to reconnect with these people and forgive and forget all that happened because they meant so much to me. For me at least, the people who hurt me the most are the people who I care for the most. If someone is mean to me that I don't care about, it'll bother me for a day or two and then I'll move on. But these people, I would say that I cared for them like you would siblings. I loved them. I think that's why I'm having difficulty moving on when this occurred years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life the way it is. I love my family and the friends that I do have are amazing! It just sucks that some very important friendships to me were lost and likely will never be recovered. Sad days.

But here I am now, snuggling my sweet baby boy while my wonderful husband is at work and it is all good.

BTW - little bug has started standing up when we hold him. His little legs are getting so strong!

My big standing boy!