SMA: Self-conscious Momma's Anonymous

Today, I have been having some boy image issues. I searched for natural ways to get breasts firm again and all the sites that I found pretty much said, "sorry chick, that's what happens when you have a baby. You think it's bad now, wait until you have another one and ANOTHER ONE." Encouraging. I soon found myself looking at a plastic surgery website and Googling "average cost of breast lift vs impants." Anytime that is in my Google "recently searched" you know I've hit a low point on the body image scale.

I have no idea what brought this on. Probably the same way that most crazy, irrational thoughts begin, slowly and unnoticed until it becomes a huge pimple in my thoughts that all of a sudden I can't NOT think about. Anyway, it happened. So my day starts to wind down a bit, the baby has been put to bed, I have cut the grass, and it's time for me to take a shower. As I'm shampooing and continuing to throw myself a pity party for the curves that once were, I thought about how nice it would be if there was some kind of support group for women like me who are grieving the loss of a pre-pregnancy body. I'm not certain if there are groups out there like this, but if there aren't, there should be. So then my imagination kicks on and I start to think of how nice it would be to have a group where us ladies can share how horrible it is to have our bodies ruined by our little miracles that we would never trade for all the glorious boobies in the world, but that we still really want those boobies.

I imagined that my little group could be called SMA: Self-conscious Momma's Anonymous and we could have a conference twice a year where we eat, drink, and be merry! The conference could be sponsored by a lingerie company and there would be fashion shows of these momma's in their sexy little get ups and everyone would hoop and holler in support of embracing our new bodies. We could release balloons to symbolize letting go of what we used to be and then get so drunk that we don't really care anymore about what we are now.

Hi, I'm Amanda and I have a tummy that looks like ground beef.

(disclaimer, this is not my child)

Adjustmetns

I realized that I have not written anything in quite some time. Being a mom to a one year old is quite time consuming, if you didn't know.

Lately, I find myself thinking a lot about the decisions and actions that have taken place over the last year. A lot has happened. Nicholas and I are both no longer working at the law firm where I worked for four and a half years and he worked for four. I am currently working three jobs - (1) mom to Lucas (2) maid in the Sarabia household (3) an independent contractor with PCR Services Inc. <-- this one actually sends me a check, SCORE!

My days are pretty busy, starting a 7:45 a.m. working at all three jobs until about 9:00 or 10:00 when I actually go to bed, turn on Netflix, and have some "me" time. I do usually take a break right after bug goes down for his nap to eat lunch and maybe watch an episode or two of How I Met Your Mother on Lifetime before I go down to the basement to do my contracting work with PCR for the remainder of nap time. Needless to say, I am exhausted by the end of the day. Whatever, everyone is exhausted by the end of their days, I'm not saying that I'm more-so than most. I think I'm still just not used to it. Recently, I've picked up more work with PCR Services to get a little more cash flow in the household. I really like the effect it has on my wallet, not so much on my energy levels. A lot of times, at the end of each day, I find myself wondering how in the world am I going to have enough energy to get through another day? And then I find myself missing my old job. I really miss the fast-pace, having to shuffle through paperwork and "put out fires." I miss feeling important, like the work that I do has a purpose, getting the instant gratification of a job well done when a client was finally happy, when I could make a person's day better (or worse depending on the situation). I felt powerful. For four years this was my day in and day out. This is what I thought about even on weekends. My job was a huge part of who I was. And now it's gone.

The truth of the matter is that I don't feel important or even needed. Yes, Lucas needs me to keep him alive, but anyone can do that, not in the small, special way that I do it, but still, anyone can feed a baby and change a diaper. I just miss that feeling of being Amanda Sarabia, lead paralegal, pre-judgment. If there was an issue, I was one of the people called to help resolve it. People counted on me and my opinion mattered.  Now, I'm Amanda Sarabia, nose and butt wiper.

I just have to work harder to get adjusted to my new role in life. No, I'm not super important and no, people don't come to me because I can help fix problems anymore. But you know what? I was sitting next to my son while he ate his snack and for no reason at all, he smiles at me, and leans his head towards me. This is his way of asking me to give him a kiss on his forehead. This little baby loves me to pieces. I am his whole world. Just after his snack, I was sweeping up the kitchen floor and this snot-faced little monster with no pants on, just a shirt and a diaper, comes trotting up behind me and gives me a hug, then runs off to play again.

I think that I can adjust after all.