At a whopping 6 weeks pp, I now have my IUD, Mirena, and the green light to do normal things again! WOOT WOOT! I'm not too terribly sure how much longer I want to breast feed. 6 weeks was my first goal that I wanted to hit and now that I'm here, my next goal of 3 months seems like a world away. And this leads me into what we fellow mamma's call "mommy guilt."
Mommy guilt is something that my sister told me about a few days ago. She was discussing this phenomenon with another mom at the gym. They diagnosed that feeling of guilt that comes with almost every decision that you make with your kids. "Is it too soon to move him to the crib?" "How much longer should I let him co-sleep with us?" "Am I a bad mom for hating breastfeeding?" "Am I a bad mom for being this exhausted?" Yup, all of those questions that run through the mommy mind on a daily basis come along with a healthy dosage of guilt. My most recent guilt producing thought: I wish that my IUD would make my milk dry up on it's own so that it's not my decision to stop breastfeeding and I don't seem so weak.
Now, don't take that last statement as me saying that I think that people who stop breastfeeding are weak. This is my own personal thoughts for my breastfeeding experience. Because this crap is so physically demanding (shocking considering it's just a baby eating from you, right? wrong. It is much harder than I ever imagined) I had to make this a challenge for myself. To keep doing it, I had to keep telling myself on a daily basis that if I've made it this far, surely I can go one more day, week, month, 12 MONTHS! ...We'll see about that.
The runner-up in the mommy guilt department is co-sleeping. I never in a million years thought that I would be one of those people who slept with their babies. My pre Lucas brain thought that this was a dangerous practice done by those parents that we consider "attachment parents" or as I call them, "tree hugging parents" (they are the parent equivalent to tree huggers). Again, in my pre Lucas mind, I thought that that this was bad for baby and his development of becoming an independent person and that the people who did this were just lazy.
Hahahaha, yea, Lucas sleeps with us. Commence the judging. It's ok, I did it too.
He sleeps either on my chest or in the crook of my arm by my side. It's crazy how wrong I was. Now that I'm in the situation myself and going through all of this, I understand the benefits to co-sleeping. Sure, I am still worries about hindering his sleep independence (mommy guilt) but the benefits that I feel far outweigh the mommy guilt. My reasons are three fold: 1. He is simply too young to let him cry it out. He did not take the transition to the crib well AT ALL. That was a 2hr battle that I was just not down for. We will continue to try every now and then as he gets older, but for now, no thanks. 2. It is so much easier to nurse him if he is in the bed with me. I shake Nicholas awake to go and change his diaper and then when he brings him back, just pop out the old milk supplier whilst still laying comfortably on my side and BAM! My son is eating and I didn't have to move or become fully conscious. WIN! And finally, 3. He sleeps sooo much better! For the past 2 weeks, little bug has been waking up only once in the night! This usually occurs between 3:30am and 4:30am. That still sucks, but it sure beats the pants off of waking every 2-3 hours.
So go ahead and judge me and think me a tree hugging parent, but my baby is sleeping better and therefore I am sleeping better. I just ask you to do one thing: when you're up feeding your baby at midnight, 2:00am and 4:00am, just take a moment and reflect on the fact that I am sleeping and you are not. <- That's a little mean sounding and I almost went back and deleted it. Almost.
And now for the positive spin to my post: short shopping.
You might be asking yourself, how is shopping for shorts after having a baby a positive thing? You are just as surprised as I was! On a Friday I went shopping for a bathing suit and that next day, I went shopping for some shorts that actually fit me so that I could officially retire my maternity shorts until the next one comes. The experience was actually not bad, it was downright enjoyable! I was expecting the usual bout of depression that usually comes with shopping since I am no longer a 110lb 18 year old. You know those girls that were super skinny in high school and then gained about 20-30 lbs by the time they were 21? That's me! Surely if clothes shopping was depressing before, it would be worse after popping out a person, right?
Wrong. I bought a bathing suit that covered all of my wobbly bits (phrase stolen from "Bridget Jones Diary," gotta give credit where credit is due) but still looks respectably sexy. It's black, of course, and the bottoms are more like a skirt to help hide the thunder thighs that I've got going on. I've always been a busty gal, but now that I'm a momma, I'm not so comfortable with them being on display. These things are my child's food source (it is unknown for how much longer) and I'm a married woman! So guess what, I'm covered, comfortable, and feeling pretty good! Stretch marks be damned!
My shorts, now a size 10. My hips and thighs are pretty large and in charge these days and I'm oddly ok with that. I am a freaking woman! I had a freaking baby! I feel like my wide hips are my trophy of that accomplishment. So hang a "wide load" sign on my butt and sound the alarm! 'Cause me and my size 10 shorts are coming through!
Moral of the story: be comfortable with yourself. The mommy guilt and the extra cushioning around your bottom just don't matter. What does matter is that you are doing your best as a parent and your husband and baby love you just the way you are! There is no need to put so much pressure on yourself. You doing your best is all that anyone can ask for. Chin up butter cup, you're doing great!
Time to wrap this puppy up, it's past 11:00pm and my dinner is now ready! That's right, dinner. I am becoming nocturnal apparently. Since me and hubs have tomorrow off of work, I decided to take a nap from 7:30 - 10:00 since I was so exhausted from working from home and taking care of Lucas all day and I wanted to spend some time with my hubs! So, until next time my friends!
And here's my hubs open-mouthed sleeping with my little chunk. Love it!
(Nicholas will kill me for posting this) :)
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